Tuesday, September 26, 2006
all you want to do is start anew. keep all those memories from the past locked, hidden, buried. and mind you, this is no simple feat especially when they keep making trips back when you least expect it.. those nights when you're extremely restless and sleep just doesnt come as easily as it should, during class when you're staring into space whilst the tutor drones on and on, those lone bus rides home.. now.
all your insecurities out in the open, for the taking, for foes and friends alike to feast on. i dont blame cynics for being the way they are. there is good in life, but that little bit of heaven has been completely overshadowed by life's atrocities.
sometimes we try, we try so hard to keep these dilemmas, burdens at bay because i for one know, that there is much greater suffering out there in the world. and these probs we have? hunney they're nothing. Compare this to poverty, starvation, civil wars.. my lord our problems are peanuts.
but that doesnt mean we push these negative thoughts/feelings away. i want to save others.. but first i have to save myself. ive friends who i am lucky enough to have, telling me during our many convos that when we were complete strangers or just acquaintances i used to intimidate the hell out of them. for the simple reason that i refused to smile or acknowledge their presence in class.
im not particularly sure whether its deliberate or otherwise, but over the years ive sort of enclosed myself in a box (figuratively okay) and only let myself out when there's really a need to. okay shite i cant talk like this im boring myself to tears so i'll do it the way i know best.. that box? first made out of paper but then i found it too flimsy too careless a shield so over time that shield grew and grew until before i knew it i had barricaded myself in with towering high brick walls all around me for company.
but the solitude grows on me after awhile and hence i venture out seeking friendship and occasionally love, or thats what i let myself believe at that point of time under the false notion that it may be the essence of my grand rescue (yeah riiiiiight). my loathsome self thought these people were lucky im their friend, im talking to them, im dating them etc. but what i fail to see all those years ago was that im the lucky one. i have friends who love me unconditionally despite knowing that at times i can be sucha pain to be with.
and i acknowledge the fact that occasionally i carry my toughasanut exterior a lil too far that my caustic self becomes extremely intolerable and thus, i would like to extend my apologies to ayee.. whoeva ive hurt with my words and/or actions (one long list i tell ya) its unintentional yea? but sometimes they are intended, that just because you deserve it la moron :D hehe okay sorrayeee.
i have no idea which light shone bright for yours truly tonight, but i just realised that im one lucky soul. and all the encumbrances chucked my way has made me a stronger individual, what doesnt kill you gotta hurt a hell lot rightrightright. becoming a student of tpjc -_-, getting retained -_- -_-, failed relationships, lost friendships of which a few i have managed to salvage and others aah i have no choice but to let go, the garnering of affections and trust from strangers turned close buddies, the ups and downsss of my household, the strengthtening of old treasured friendships
andandand
an extremely special someone (hey schmack!) that im slowly but surely letting into this guarded heart of mine. i didnt know i can feel so much for a person in such a short span of time that sometimes, these feelings scare the hell outta me. and more oft than once, ive been so tempted to just cave in and give the whole idea of us up altogether due to uhh.. external forces. (haha!) i know im a whole lot to deal with all at once but thank you so much for being so patient and everything sweet. we're cool like this :)
//
an almost no holds barred entry. never thought id let out something of this magnitude here. the boyfriend's 'cathartic' is prettay darn apt.
def cathartic
adj 1: emotionally purging.
..and this chapter's closed. (cheyy so dramatic la omg)
lets get promos/prelims/alevels/school over and done with yea? and restore a sense of normalcy back into our lives =D