Saturday, August 11, 2007
yesterday, my grandma turned a year older. im not exactly sure how to convey this, or whether its gonna sound right at all but every single day of my life i fear losing her. i realise this is not an assuring thought and its wise to not let it linger too long in my mind but i cant help it. i love her most in this small little world of mine and i wouldnt know what to do when she's gone. ive shared a room with her since.. well forever. and god all those times she's pissed me off and i'd wished with all my might that she'd just go away so that i can have my own space. i wish i could take all those moments back because i truly sincerely didnt mean them but i cant. the deed is done, and no matter how hard i wish.. i know ive hurt her. my grandma, she has this special seat by the living room window and during the day when she's not cooking and taking care of the house proper, she usually sits there looking out. every single day, without fail. she'd comment on the patrons at the foodplace opposite our house, turn around to talk to my mom once in a while.. but most of the time she just gazes out the window, musing id like to believe.. taking in the things the rest of the world's too busy to notice. she sits there, in quiet repose. seeing her frail figure there everyday, brings tranquil to this heart of mine. and if ever, one day, i see the seat empty & its faithful companion gone, then i know for certain, that my heart will break.. and one of the chapters of my book, closed. i pray that day, is far far away.
& this is the reason why i needed to talk to you tonight. to hear your reassuring tone tell me that its okay to have such fears. that its okay to shed a few tears in the light of that fear that resides in your heart. a fear whose origin you have questioned when you were a little girl, and have now come to grasp with as a young adult. but sadly you werent there and not to any fault of yours, but.. you werent there all the same. and i alone, can comfort this disquietude of mine.